Staying Afloat

I call my mom from a taxi racing towards the Thai Buddhist Monastery, “Mom, I’m not calling from Pakistan, I’m on vacation in Thailand.”
“Honey, that sounds nice. How long will you be there?”
“That’s why I'm calling. I am going to be completely unreachable for the next 11 days, no cell, no texts, no email. I am going on a silent retreat.”
“Amy, you, on a silent retreat, you have no chance.”
“Thanks mom,” I say, only mildly discouraged. (Turns out...she was right).

Few people believe that I am actually an introvert. I chatted with my mom for a few minutes about what she would do if Grandma died in the next 11 days, how she really didn’t understand why I choose to spend my vacations like this, and how she doubted silence would suit me.

I have been living in Islamabad, Pakistan for 30 months. If you count the year I spent preparing to come by completing a SAIS Masters Degree in South Asian studies, an intense Urdu language program, and a trip to Kashmir after the 2005 earthquake, it has been 3.5 years since I started bathing my consciousness and imagination in all things Pakistan.

Living in Pakistan is at times difficult, dangerous, and exhausting. At other times it is beautiful, intimate, healthy and inspiring. My ability to experience its lovely sides has to do with two lifelines: my contemplative practices and my yoga and meditation community. Inevitably, with the nature of life in Pakistan as an American diplomat, my energy resources run low. I retreat to Thailand for restoration.

My Thai escapes involve intense ashtanga yoga instruction, colonic hydrotherapy, and silent Buddhist meditation retreats. Thailand is the way I get recharged, spending time in silent meditation and in nature, regaining clear vision and soaking in energy. Thailand renews your cells, and your depth of concentration, and your imagination, and your digestion. This is how I keep my resilience buffers blown up, buoyant, spongey, bouncy, and able to take another shock. Thailand is where I go for the energy to live my life here.

So I came home last night, after three weeks in the Thai washing machine, I detoxed my colon, deepened my ashtanga practice to Cormasana, and enjoyed the bliss of 11 days of silence in my home away from homes. What changes will I bring into my life here with this increased spurt of energy? When is my next break? Are my emotional boundaries rock solid? Is my life here about more than work? Am I deeply, meaningfully, emotionally connected to kindred spirits? Even after three weeks in Thai retreat-ville, I have very minimal reserves: what will I give my energy too, what will I allow to deplete my resources, am I well in my own skin?

Last time I came back I started my dream of launching a yoga segment on a TV show in Pakistan. My second intention was to start a blog, and here it is. Mom, this is why I go on silent retreats. Pema Chodron, thank you for instruction on the middle way. And to my Pakistani yoga and meditation community, here we go, into deeper, more regular, sustained group practice. Built on common moral values and concentration, leading to insight.

Om, Om, Om….or, as I like to say in Pakistan: Alif, Laam, Meem.